What If...

We have all found ourselves once or twice reflecting on paths not taken or how life would be different had we made other decisions; what if I lived in a different city or taken a different job or stayed in a relationship with someone and pursued that life path? The more fantastical the 'what if' scenario, the more chances we are an entirely different person. We will never know, will we?!
I am headed to Chicago this weekend and many of these thoughts have been stirred up. When I first went there, it was to visit Northwestern University. Yes this may surprise a lot of you! I interviewed and toured the campus and did all that preparatory stuff for admissions. I really wanted to pursue their writing/English department. The curriculum is an intense, studious endeavor comparable to many Ivy Leagues. Funds wouldn't allow it. And after reflecting on the extreme Chicago cold and wind and 'real' winter Dallas doesn't know, I don't believe my disposition would have allowed it either.  So I went to SMU. I didn't finish. That's another post.
The point is, I would be living and doing something entirely different with my life. Obviously, I would have a different set of friends and lifestyle. Maybe I would have inevitably fallen into the food scene and pursued catering anyhow, since Chicago has such a rich, delicious food scene. Regardless, much would be different.
Zen Buddhist like to believe that we are exactly where we need to be, doing exactly what we need to be doing at any given moment. Split decisions, impulsive reactions and change of plans, these too, are ok and part of the end result leading to the 'present moment'. In an older movie with Gwyneth Paltrow called Sliding Doors, there is a parallel story where we get to see examples of having made different decisions. Different choices mean different results, obviously.
But, I would like to think that the big defining aspects of our 'self', e.g. our character, our morals and values, and our core belief systems, are more concrete. A prime example is how people behave with money. When a giving person receives a lot of money, they share more. If a selfish person is given a lot of money, they become more stingy. Certain variables in life, the big 'what if' decisions may pave whole other unimaginable paths, but we still have personality constants. So no matter where we end up, or the job we are working, or the lifestyle we are living, by the time we are adults living out these arrangements, our personality (Freud, psyche) has already been formed. It is nice to daydream occasionally, but the 'what if' debate is a big waste of time, that is all. We will never *know*.
Once in Chicago, I did get to experience The Chicago Symphony Orchestra perform symphonies of Beethoven. Unbelievable. I'm sure I wouldn't have needed to go to the symphony to gain a sophisticated taste and appreciation for classical music. Certain qualities in us are probably inevitable, regardless of place or time.
I am hopeful that I am exactly where I need to be and doing exactly what i need to be doing. This is the only thing I can *know*.