Moved Over

I am now with wordpress instead of blogspot
Go to the blog link under www.brockanolen.com
Will be more busy-exciting over there!!
Writing next post currently...
Thanks

What If...

We have all found ourselves once or twice reflecting on paths not taken or how life would be different had we made other decisions; what if I lived in a different city or taken a different job or stayed in a relationship with someone and pursued that life path? The more fantastical the 'what if' scenario, the more chances we are an entirely different person. We will never know, will we?!
I am headed to Chicago this weekend and many of these thoughts have been stirred up. When I first went there, it was to visit Northwestern University. Yes this may surprise a lot of you! I interviewed and toured the campus and did all that preparatory stuff for admissions. I really wanted to pursue their writing/English department. The curriculum is an intense, studious endeavor comparable to many Ivy Leagues. Funds wouldn't allow it. And after reflecting on the extreme Chicago cold and wind and 'real' winter Dallas doesn't know, I don't believe my disposition would have allowed it either.  So I went to SMU. I didn't finish. That's another post.
The point is, I would be living and doing something entirely different with my life. Obviously, I would have a different set of friends and lifestyle. Maybe I would have inevitably fallen into the food scene and pursued catering anyhow, since Chicago has such a rich, delicious food scene. Regardless, much would be different.
Zen Buddhist like to believe that we are exactly where we need to be, doing exactly what we need to be doing at any given moment. Split decisions, impulsive reactions and change of plans, these too, are ok and part of the end result leading to the 'present moment'. In an older movie with Gwyneth Paltrow called Sliding Doors, there is a parallel story where we get to see examples of having made different decisions. Different choices mean different results, obviously.
But, I would like to think that the big defining aspects of our 'self', e.g. our character, our morals and values, and our core belief systems, are more concrete. A prime example is how people behave with money. When a giving person receives a lot of money, they share more. If a selfish person is given a lot of money, they become more stingy. Certain variables in life, the big 'what if' decisions may pave whole other unimaginable paths, but we still have personality constants. So no matter where we end up, or the job we are working, or the lifestyle we are living, by the time we are adults living out these arrangements, our personality (Freud, psyche) has already been formed. It is nice to daydream occasionally, but the 'what if' debate is a big waste of time, that is all. We will never *know*.
Once in Chicago, I did get to experience The Chicago Symphony Orchestra perform symphonies of Beethoven. Unbelievable. I'm sure I wouldn't have needed to go to the symphony to gain a sophisticated taste and appreciation for classical music. Certain qualities in us are probably inevitable, regardless of place or time.
I am hopeful that I am exactly where I need to be and doing exactly what i need to be doing. This is the only thing I can *know*.

Please Share

One of the least selfish things a person can do is have a child. Raising a child is the most self-less experience we go through. Every decision, from the day the baby is born, is no longer about the parents interest but that of nurturing the baby. (pre-supposing a mature parent, not a knocked-up immature teenager) We live in a society now that gives woman both the time and opportunity to have both a career and a child, or have a child and still participate in all the extra-curricular fun, hobbies or passions she chooses.

But some people know full and well, they don't want kids. It's a lifestyle choice like any other. It needs no defense. So what I have come to believe, if a parent now has the means to multi-task a life of selflessness AND selfishness, a childless adult has even less excuse to not find some other selfless, expressive endeavor. Without the responsibilities of rearing, it becomes even more paramount to find something else to nurture and grow outside of ourselves, because too much 'me, me, me' becomes very shallow. Every day we wake up, all the decisions (parentless) are about my schedule, my responsibilties, my food, my social life or my relaxation time. When we extend ourselves beyond our own agenda by expressing our talents, or sharing our skills with other people, or manifesting things we are passionate about, it will make for a fuller life.

The other night when I was speaking in front of large group of woman, I was nervous. Like any public exposure or performance, this is par for course. But what the presenter needs to remember, the audience is there for the performance or the message or the experience. The audience wants you to succeed! They don't want you to fail. More importantly, the world wants you to succeed. Which means all the insecurities or justifications we can come up with for not nurturing our own talents and exposing them to whomever (as few as our nearest friends or as many as can view a youtube page) are just that, excuses! Excuses are selfish. Excuses keep you from being real. And just like raising a child, you can not put off for very long not changing a babies diaper. In the same vein, you can't keep suppressing your own passions because things become just as toxic inside. It is very selfish for anyone to not share a trait, talent, skill or knowledge they possess. Remember, everybody wants you to succeed. Everyone has something unique they can do, say, give or make. Whatever you are interested in, nurture it, and share it; that is all.

10 Years Ago...

In one of my youthful vain attempts at 'finding myself', I set out for Europe again. I was alone, I was on a certain kind of mission. Honestly, I needed a break from the standards I was already beginning to ridiculously impose on myself. I wanted to rebel against the person in my head.
I decided to go to Italy and eat a lot of dairy products. Yes, this is comical to admit. There was more to the venture than this, but in a way it precipitated the entire trip. I hadn't eaten any dairy in a couple years.
I had been to Florence and most of the south already, so I started in Venice. I stayed at a nunnery. It suited me perfectly. I strategically got lost every day. I also ate gelato and pizza, almost every day. I visited a cathedral on a Sunday for the mass and listened to the beauty of the Italian spoken; I knew not one iota of it.
I took a train to Cinque Terre http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinque_Terre Essentially, five villages running alongside a cliff in the northwest region. I stayed at the last one called Riomaggiore so I could do the hike from an end point and reach the last of the five. You can do the entire region in a full day, stopping to refresh or lay on the beaches that each village has. There is also train access to all as individual stops, if you just want to do the touristy investigation. From their cliffside entrances, they have winding steep paths to their tiny church or cathedral. Restaurants, cafes, shops and homes line the path; All the same religious practices, but each five do have a place of worship. Riomaggiore was also the quietest one.
I was so wrapped up in my head at the time, I shamefully remember. What i recall:
After having disembarked from the train and beginning the very steep climb up, everything seemed louder than in the past days. It wasn't argumentative but I sensed chaos. The one pay phone had a person in the booth and a long line behind. Everyone was anxious. The first cafe I came up to was packed. This was exceptional and very unusual. This place was only busy in the mornings, but people were hanging out the two entrance doors. I pushed myself into the cramped space to see the tv's broadcasting CNN. So many American tourist, strangers or tiny groups of friends, elbow to elbow, 'What is going in?'...'A plane hit the World Trade Center in New York.' What, what, what, what is happening.. was all that was going through my mind. Why did I brush it off and walk out? Why did I think there was something conspiratorial going on? Why did I feel like things were only going to get worse? I don't know, but these were my thoughts. The magnitude didn't sink in for a couple of hours. The news was just on a repetitive 'this is what happened and this is what is happening now'. I sat out on a bench across from the cafe, where I had been sitting the past three mornings to eat my fruit and watch the locals start their days. I knew I wouldn't be able to get ahold of my family so soon because the line for the phone was ridiculous. I sat there, alone, and I waited. It was hours before the crowd dissipated from the cafe. It was just time going by and my 20 year old brain not comprehending the magnitude of the event, not fully realizing the monstrosity that had occurred.
I woke at the crack of dawn to be one of the first at the pay phone; I stood behind two people who had the same idea. I got a hold of my mother and her hysteria. Hearing her cry immediately makes me cry and always has. Finally it sank in. A familiar voice was what it really took for me to process the actual situation. It was not as raw and real for me until this moment when I heard from someone in the states, closer to the event, in America, seeing how people immediately responded and came together. I remember calling my boyfriend right afterwards. All I recall about that conversation is his slight ambivalence as a non-news watcher and his resentment at my being away. I was angry with him when the call ended. I wanted him to know more. He was not their for me emotionally.
I went back to feeling alone and ignorant of what was happening. Over the next few days, each village had placed wreaths of flowers at strategic turning points in their paths and walkways, each cathedral held vigil and prayer services for all the American tourist. All the cafes and restaurants, all day, left the tv's running CNN so people would feel in the know somehow. The whole world took note. All
the locals were sympathetic and as accommodating as they could be. A few days afterwards,  I took a train to the south of France and was picked up by a Dutch woman whom I was going to work for at a bed and breakfast for the rest of the month. Every morning we drove into the nearest town center to pick up the paper and get fresh baguettes and croissants for the visitors staying. The whole world was crying out for America. The papers were my only connection to anything.
By the time I got back to the states, the flags were still in people's yards. The mood was still very raw and somber, but it was full of stories of hope and banding together. I finally let myself really mourn. I made it home, I was safe and I was not alone.

Hard Work or Working Hard

When Sir Winston Churchill gave his famous speech warning the Brits of the potential disaster to come from Hitler, he was quoted as saying 'I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.' We hear the term 'blood, sweat and tears' and know immediately the reference to hard work and effort during difficult circumstances.  One has exhausted themselves to the brink. It is very fitting to the military because they are in a constant state of fight or flight with their bodies and sensory alertness with their minds.
I am especially grateful to not know the true definition of hard work. I know 'working hard'. I know hustling and being busy with accomplishing a task or achieving a goal. And yes, I know physical labor and body fatigue. I frequently stand 8 hours a stretch in the kitchen and know the exhaustion of a line-cook. I have moved heavy furniture numerous times. I have weeded and mulched a rose bed, pruned and tilled an organic garden, scrubbed toilets at a bed and breakfast, physically exhausted my body over many labor-intensive task, yes. Though this may be hard work, I have never had to repetitively work hard. I knew at the end of the task, that was it. I rested. I moved on. The fatigue dissipated. I had a break and knew there would be one.
I have been reflecting on this for the last few weeks because I have felt in a state of 'go, go, go' trying to juggle the handful of occupations and extra-curricular activities that occupy my time. The more I look around and reflect on every thing and person and opportunity, the more I also feel a little shame. I am sensitive to this shame, because I know how therapeutic I find the task of house cleaning. It is a mindless, robotic routine of obsessive compulsive busy-ness in which my body is occupied and my brain is able to reach a meditative state. Hard work is good for the soul, and the level of satisfaction from completing a task is relative to how hard the task is. There is a reason why we appreciate something more when we work hard to get it, too.
Unfortunately, there are cultures of people where the hard work is all they know, like Asian rice farmers or immigrants trying to feed a large family, as well as send money back home to poorer relatives. There is an entire class of society born into physical labor just to put food on the table. Here, there is no break, no let-up; a real 'go, go, go'.
There are also classes of people that are born into money, connections and leizure. Domestic drama may be the most stress they ever know, and they surely have never dirtied their nails.
There are people in the middle that work a job and go to school simultaneously until the career pans out and provides a 'take a break, vacation days' routine.
So, intellectually we know what working hard looks like, but gratefully, few of us know real hard labor. The days that I find stressful and get anxious and over-whelmed are the days I need to be most appreciative of; it could be a lot harder. My body gets rest, my hands get clean, I may even get a massage. We each have our own level of effort we put out, relative to the freedoms we want to enjoy in life: the money to pay the bills, to buy the 'things', to eat the foods we like, to visit places for travel, to have the time for spending with friends and family. Sacrifices are always made, budgets are balanced.
The *real* hard work is no let up; no break. Hand over fist trying to make the money to pay the bills to feed the family to sweat it out, be sleep deprived and get up and do it all over again. Physical and mental exhaustion, no rest, fatigue.
Hard work is a hard life. This is the difference. Again, each person defines the end of their rope differently, but some of us rarely stop to reflect on how easy our lives really are.
Without making this political, we all know times are tough and some would beg for any job, even the hardest physical labor. This is heart-breaking and unfortunately the middle class in America is dwindling into more poverty, where the hard work, if any, may be all they have.
It is not surprising that the real origin of 'blood, sweat and tears' comes from the King James Bible, Luke 22:44 'And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.'
None of us will know this; few of us care to imagine.
Be grateful.



.



.

What Measures, What Matters?

It does not matter who you are, where you are, what you do, or what you are trying to do, the fact is, there will always be someone better off and someone worse off.
The truth is, we may have standards for other people but we give ourselves even bigger ones. When we don't meet our own criteria, we feel deflated or beat ourselves up inside; and when other people fall short we are often too quick to cut them off. First impressions are involuntary, but making the effort to learn more about the situation or a person, more often than not, we find it worth the while. People are more tender than they project. In the same vein, we should speak more kindly to ourselves and be more patient with what we are trying to achieve..
So yes, I have high expectations for myself. I also expect a lot from people. Thankfully, the older I get the more I have begun to question this, where has it come from, and why do I even use this gage in the first place?!
Goal setting is paramount to living a fulfilled life or you are just 'trucking along' and not deliberately seeking to enrich it or feel joy from the results of accomplishment or personal growth. That is sad. By the other extreme, trying to measure up to all the stimuli or perceived success of others, is ridiculous and arbitrary.
In our sensory-overloaded society we are bombarded with the lives, images, successes and failures of every other human in our conscious sphere, whether a far off celebrity or a family/friend on a facebook page. It is an involuntary reaction to compare. Reality TV has become so popular because it shows all the similarities of screwed up, normality or just the extreme examples of abnormal behavior, which in-turn makes us feel more normal and sane.
Comparisons can be appropriate for gaging our own capabilities. Endurance sports are a great example; it may be possible for the human body, but I won't be setting my fitness goals there. I know what I want in this part of my life. Competition can be healthy if we use it to to elevate our own skills and set higher goals. Out of all world religions, the Torah teaches Jewish people that envy can be used beneficially if it inspires one to be better.(of course, during the time it was written, I am sure being a religious scholar was the highest goal.) By seeing the success of an athlete or benefits of eating a healthier diet, we may increase our speed in running or start making leaner food choices. Our neighbor may have a beautiful yard, so we start a flower bed in our own. Good can perpetuate good. But other forms of competition stem from jealousy or potential threats (dating), or simple immaturity. The peer pressure in youth trying to fit in (wearing a style even though it is uncomfortable) or the adult 'keeping up with the Jones's' are the worst types of these examples. We see in our broke society people living beyond their means in constant stress and heartache trying to measure up.
The antidote for feelings of inadequacy is being true to thyself, knowing what you want and who you are. This is tough. Instead of the exhaustion that comes with trying to do more, have more, be more...the 'more' is already existing when we focus on 'where have I come from and where do I want to go?'. Yes, be selfish.  Setting reasonable personal goals (call friends more often) and business goals (take a class, be on time, meet quotas) will bring one back to the self. Jealousy and envy come from feeling inadequate; the catch, comparison only increases the perceived inadequacy. Start doing what you need to do to get the results that you want in your life. When you are busy, you are not thinking; you are living and acting in the moment.
So remember, the grass is never greener. It is just different. Every one has issues under the surface being dealt with. Every person has pain and heartache and suffers loss. When we believe we aren't measuring up, we are really not pushing ourselves to be the best that we can be. It is not selfish to focus on your business, your family and friends, your own success, your health, happiness and general well-being...this is elevating. Keep questioning where all of these measurements derive from, and remember the difference between envy and admiration. Let the best part of yourself be inspired by outside influences. 
The outcome will be joy and greater satisfaction.
Then again, I don't have the older age wisdom of 'not giving a shit', too. I'm hoping this phase catches up with me as well. ;)
Trying to measure up is emotionally exhausting and it keeps you from feeling authentic about what you end up turning out anyways. And often when we get to know someone, we realize how similar they are to ourselves and the unnecessary comparisons fall away. Perception never 'knows'.
The only imperative measurement in today's society is being able to differentiate between good and evil, definitely not better or worse.

NOW and Always

Depression is the opposite of Expression.
The #1 form of expression is doing something for someone else.
Get out of your own head and lend a hand.
Giving a hand will heal your heart.

This will at least take attention away from what is being spent on exhaustive thoughts. We can not make beneficial choices and decisions when our faculties are fatigued. Negativity is both physically and mentally depleting. Again, re-charge the self by thinking about or helping out another person. This removes one from their head and elevates the mood for better decision making.